Saturday, December 15, 2007


To: All Staff
From: Kyle
Re: How To Contact Me

Because of my importance at the agency, I want to share my personal contact information with each of you.

• The best way to reach me is by calling my personal cell phone. Many of you have my old cell number, but because of the merger between Pinnacle Cellular and ComZone, this number has changed. My new personal cell number is XXX-XXX-XXXX.

(An easy way to remember my cell: it's the same number as my birthday, but with a "1" at the end.)

• If you should fail to reach me at my personal cell, you may page me at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Sometimes I don't have my pager with me, however, so it would be a good idea for you to try reaching me on my BlackBerry 8800. That number is XXX-XXX-XXXX.

• If I don't pick up, keep in mind that I check my e-mail on my BlackBerry 8800 at 15-minute intervals. My email address is

• If I'm on the road, my Tahoe is outfitted with a dedicated, hands-free Voice Hub. You may reach that number at XXX-XXX-XXXX. I truly love to talk while driving.

• If, for some reason, I miss your call while driving, don't hesitate to take advantage of our nation's Amber Alert system. As you know, most major highways are now outfitted with electronic signboards designed to aid in the retrieval of missing children. If I'm unreachable while on the road, simply contact Lehigh Police with the following message:

"4 Year Old Blonde Girl, "Kyleigh" Is Missing," (along with your contact number).

By using this code, I'll know to immediately contact you.

• From September to November, I attend each of my son's home football games. These games take place on Friday evenings, roughly between 7:00 - 10:30. Because of crowd noise, I may not hear your call. Feel free to contact the Lehigh North stadium press box at XXX-XXX-XXXX. The public address announcer, Larry Kiswacki, will page me during the first break in the action. If you cannot reach Larry, it's best if you contact the scoreboard operator, Steve Sanibel. His number in the press box is XXX-XXX-XXXX and his personal cell number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. Just ask him to input your message (and contact information) and I'll see your message appear on the stadium scoreboard.

• On the second Sunday morning of each month, I make love to my wife. Typically, I don't answer any of the numbers I've listed above, but if you're faced with an emergency (or just want to kick around some ideas), I can be reached on our nightstand phone at XXX-XXX-XXXX. If I don't pick up right away, leave a short message and I'll call you back immediately.

I've instructed our human resources girl, Sharon Cake, to create a wallet-sized laminated card with all of my contact information. She will distribute this handy card with your next paycheck. However, I recommend that each of you take some time (after normal work hours) to update your mobile devices with each of my contact numbers.

I believe Jack Welch once said, "The importance of communication in any organization can be neither overstated, nor underestimated." Similarly, Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton famously mused, "The squirrel what don't find his nuts, don't eat." With good communication, I believe we will each be able to "find our nuts."

As we reflect upon their insightful words, I hope each of you will take advantage of my accessibility to empower yourselves to be the best employee you can be. And please remember: each employee's dedication to effective communication is an important factor during annual performance reviews.

Together, we can grow this agency beyond all my wildest dreams!



grizzard said...

To Weezie, wherever you are: Thanks for the disturbing idea!

Weezie said...

It was ripe for satire. Thanks for rising to the challenge. If only I could send it to the author of the original version. I doubt he'd get it anyway.